Published May 19, 2008
'Kay. This one's a spur of the moment thing so it'll need improvement! (I know I didn't punctuate anything)
Dancing on the Edge
Falling forever
No one to hold onto.
I look to you for help,
but your somewhere else
holding someone else.
I dance to death's strong beat
letting my feet guide me.
I think of you.
Will you dance this dance with me?
The strings of fate strum
on this guitar of hope.
I'm letting go.
Will you let me go?
My feet guide on.
My eyes begin to close.
I can see you with her
holding her tightly.
This dance has captivated
many before me
Finally my time has come
The music persuades me.
I dance death's dance.
Will you dance with me?
Or do you prefer to hold her
and not take the plunge I have?
Do you dance on the edge?
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey there- I thought it was a good piece. You executed the writing very well and even managed to make my heart beat a little bit. Your metaphors were great as well- I liked this part the best:
I think it's because I play guitar myself. Overall, it was a good poem.
Take care!
-Ember
Me too.
I've been there and still am.
I absolutely love this, darling! Great job! Very well written.
Hey,
I like your poem, especially about the idea of death's dance. Which is basically the whole thing. Anyways, I like the way you describe the dancing and the movements, but it might be more easy to understand if you explain more about who you're talking to or who this other girl is.
Thanks,
Mikaela (Cally)
It's been revised so you know... I added two stanzas and you should let me know if you wanna read it.
Great poem about freedom, and being unafraid of the next step, at the same time, wanting someone to take the plunge with you. if i read this poem (which I did) i would ask,
How do YOU feel about death?
it seems as if you know its going to happen, so you are going to live your life, and let whats inevitable, happen.
Hey there!
I have to tell you, I think this is my favorite part of the whole poem. Such lovely wording there, m'dear! The only thing that I would consider changing is that you say "this guitar" and I think it would be better as "the guitar," but it's up to you.I want to make it clear before I start that I am by NO MEANS an expert when it comes to poetry. In fact, I'm pretty unknowledgeable. But I'm trying to learn more by reading and reviewing poetry.
So...
I think there are two major issues with this poem:
1. It's kind of cliché. Even though you show it in a very original light (with the whole dance metaphor) the theme is still a lost love -- which, needless to say, is cliché. So congrats on showing it in a new way, but when I realized the motive behind it, I was like "oh... another one."
2. You only touch on a lot of things. You mention a few things (like the fact that her feel are guiding her, and the fact that there is music) but you don't go into detail. I would like to know what the music is like, and how out-of-control she feels, being lead by her feet and her head not having any idea what she's doing.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~